Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Don't know what to think..

I am absolutely terrified of having another child. I am afraid for Caleb and my sanity. Up until now it has been me and him. He is super affectionate and clingy. I know he isn't going to like when there is another baby in the picture. I know that im going to feel horrible about not being able to give him the same amount of attention. I already do feel horrible. It keeps me up at night, I worry all day about how hes going to feel and react it's stressing me out. I feel like my life is nothing but stress right now. When I do try to get out the house to get my mind off things either my "friends" cancel or....no they always just cancel. Its frustrating. I dont know what to do. I can't talk to my midwife about my inability to sleep and the nightmares and the constant anxiety. Will would never understand....honestly I cant think of anyone who can understand. All my friends are pregnant or have one child or the second child is from another mother. The only person I can kind of think to talk to about it is my sister in law but everything told to any of the Shields spreads like wild fire and I dont feel like being judged. I need a break...from my mind. I need to focus on the positive but no matter what all I can think about is Calebs traumatic delivery, another alien being plopped on me after hours of labor, me having no emotion for that child...just fear. Fear of having to do it alone. Fear of Caleb feeling neglected. Fear of not knowing who I am anymore...not feeling like a person just a servant that gets no break, no recognition, no anything. I dont want to have another child. I didnt ask for this. I want Caleb to be happy and to have a life...the closer I get to April the more I feel like im losing it and I dont know what to do.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

26 weeks

So I  messed up on eating healthy today. I had a pb & jelly sandwich on potatoe bread and had a package of belvitas. For breakfast I had brown sugar oatmeal and for lunch I had a salad with to much dressing :/ I need to go to the gym. Just waiting for caleb to wake up. I weigh 131 which is awesome considering last week I was 136. I want to get down to 128 and hold that for a while. We will see what happens.
Madison is super active.  Like crazy active I wasn't expecting her to move this much so soon.
I started having round ligament pain and leg cramps. I'm hoping that the round ligament pain doesn't get crazy bad. I have been doing awesome with working out. I average 4 miles (450 calories) on the elliptical a day and 30 minutes of weight lifting.  I'm still lifting with 45 lbs on squats and 210 for leg press. Arms usually 30-50 machine assisted, 10-15 free weights.
I got my first pedicure ever last Sunday.  It looks so nice. I see why people are so addicted to them. I'm going to try to get one every month until she's born. I also got my eyebrows done finally.  It was a really nice relaxing day.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

24 weeks, Merry Christmas!!

Soooo baby Madison is moving like crazy. According to my app she is 11.8 inches and a little over a pound. Wills grandparents came and stayed with us. Im so glad they got to come. It was such a good time. We cooked, ate, laughed and relaxed. I got some me time was able to do my nails and hair. Gma cooked and Caleb was smothered with attention. Everyone came over for Christmas and that went as smoothly as humanly possible. It was a good time filled with food, desserts, christmas music and good times. I feel gross. I think its the sparkling apple cider but my stomachs been upset pretty much all day. Nonetheless its time for pictures!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

23 weeks

So i'm 23 weeks pregnant today. I went to a Christmas party tonight and the food was AMAZING. I am so tired and my stomach is so upset but chances are I wont sleep all that great. I have another ugly sweater party to go to tomorrow. This is going to be a fun weekend. I think I might go get a couple pictures done at JCpenny or something. The ideas of I have for pics don't come out cause I cant get the camera to focus on the tripod.

Morning Sickness: Yes
Gender: Girl
Weight gain: 16lbs
Aches n Pains: Lower back, morning sickness, abdominal cramping

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

22 weeks

Omg I feel huge and over stuffed. I noticed that at night I overeat and feel gross. I don't know how to stop it. I'm going to put caleb down then workout.  I got a food processor so I can make more healthy food :) I'm so excited.  I can make cauliflower mash and pizza and everything else. I need to focus on eating better.  I had Reese sticks. They are my weakness for sure. I want to take a couple  bump pics after caleb gets down. Toodles

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Weight checkin

Guess who's down to 126! Whoot whoot didn't think I would reach it but eating healthy and working out is paying off. I blew the diet today eating a bunch of cheezits but I couldn't resist. So excited!

Friday, December 12, 2014

21 weeks

So I found out we are having a little girl. Madison will be here in April. I've been reflecting a lot on how different these two pregnancies have been. I doubt it has to do with gender and more with my body and how it's changed. With Caleb I followed the doctors orders and stopped working out until I was four months then I left for Florida for four months and didn't workout then either. This time around although I'm not eating as well as I did with Caleb I am working out consistently.  I also wonder if my body is able to handle this pregnancy better because it's been through one already. I'm able to enjoy this pregnancy...the changes...the feelings...the entire aspect. Kind of in awe of how I'm able to build a human from scratch and know that eventually I will have my precious little girl. I just pray for this babies health and that we will have an amazing relationship like Caleb and I do. 19 more weeks until I meet my little girl.